Desktop client crashes immediately after opening (Win10)

What the title says. Attempting to open any version of the desktop client (Stable, PTB, or Canary) on my Win10 machine successfully runs the updater, but all versions immediately crash before the client window can open. I've performed 3 clean reinstalls of each version, deleted my caches, attempted 5 times each to "Run as Administrator", and have had no luck.

Please help.

System specs, in case that's needed:
Ryzen 9 3900X
32GB 2666MHz DDR4
RTX 3070 Ti